Jay’s story
After living with severe depression for years, Jay has found a sense of belonging and motivation by giving back to their local community – an arts centre that now feels like a home away from home.
"The good things I do help me cope with the bad things affecting me."
I’m Jay, also known as Big Jay, and I’m depressed – seriously depressed. And not just right now, but all the time.
The first time I was diagnosed with depression, I was 17. I felt I had to make up a convincing lie to tell my parents why I needed to go see the GP. It was the appointment that empowered me to be honest with the state of my mental health. But the journey didn’t end there; various therapies, five kinds of antidepressants, manic episodes, bedridden weeks and plenty of sleepless nights.
Whenever a friend says, “I’m feeling really depressed”, my gut reaction is “what happened?” Even after more than 10 years of living with this, I still see a cause-and-effect relationship with this mental illness. I still haven’t fully accepted that it is a disease with symptoms. For me, it may be genetic; plenty of evidence for that. There could be a permanent chemical imbalance in my brain. What I have accepted is that I may have to live like this forever.
Every single action requires ten times the energy I have and I constantly live in an energy deficit. I may never feel well-rested or in control of my life again.
What helps me manage my depression better?
The good things I do help me cope with the bad things affecting me. It’s a balance. I am especially nourished by volunteering. Giving back is giving to yourself; it costs my time, it costs the very little energy I have, but it contributes to something that makes me feel connected to people and a part of my local community.
Currently, I am on the Strategy team at the Rising Sun Arts Centre in Reading. It has given me access to arts and culture in a way I never expected, and a home away from home. I have responsibility which makes me feel respected and capable, in a body that often limits me physically.
Helping people and giving back is a huge part of my religious journey too, so in volunteering, connecting and living ethically, I am caring for my mind and soul.
Ultimately, I manage this debilitating lifelong depression of mine through striving for balance. Balance is different for everyone, but you’ll know it when you have it.
