“My overriding emotion about my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis was relief.” – Claire’s story
Claire had always struggled with poor mental health, but it wasn’t until she was in her late 30s that she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She tells us how receiving a diagnosis came as a huge relief and enabled her to learn more about her mental health and receive appropriate treatment such as psychotherapy and medication.
My name is Claire and I am in my late 40s. I have lived with mental health issues since I was a teenager and I have always known something was different with me. I struggled with maintaining friendships and with social interactions. I felt permanently depressed and I felt emotions very vividly to the point they felt overwhelming. I struggled with extreme mood swings, anger, disassociation, and paranoia.
I self-medicated with alcohol in my late teens and early 20s. This became a problem, and I couldn’t see an easy way out. I developed eating disorder issues and these soon began to make me feel out of control and very ill, which was not easy when I was at university. I couldn’t tell my friends or family how ill I was feeling simply because it was the mid 1990s and mental health conditions weren’t as understood as they are now. To admit to being mentally ill felt like a personal failure.
In my late 30s, when I went into crisis, made an appointment with my GP and admitted how bleak I was feeling, I was referred as urgent to a psychiatrist. That day was a turning point in my life all because of a good doctor who took me seriously and listened. I still remember how I shook with absolute fear in the psychiatrist’s office, and I was convinced that I would be taken away to a hospital immediately. I had several appointments with my very kind and pleasant psychiatrist who asked some difficult and challenging questions about all aspects of my life. Even though I was feeling terribly ill, I knew it was necessary so I could be diagnosed. I was told I lived with borderline personality disorder (BPD), which is also called emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD). My overriding emotion about my BPD diagnosis was relief. I had known for over 20 years by this point that something complex and deep seated was the cause of my troubles and a mental health professional agreed with me.
– Claire"My diagnosis is simply the instruction manual for my mind."
After the news sunk in, I knew I needed to find more information not just for myself but for friends and family. I didn’t have much time to ask the questions I needed to in my appointments, and I was encouraged by my psychiatrist to use online resources. Rethink Mental Illnesses’ online factsheets about BPD were invaluable and they explained my diagnosed condition very well in plain English and in a way I could easily understand. At times like this, you need clear explanations. I accepted my diagnosis long before my family and ex-husband did. I think they were afraid and possibly ashamed of perceived stigma, but I used the broken record technique. I wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was my diagnosis. Any shame wasn’t mine to carry.
Years have passed since receiving my diagnosis and I have been lucky. My diagnosis is simply the instruction manual for my mind. My biggest love is music; I go to a lot of alternative gigs, and I love tattoos and piercings. I enjoy writing and I’m learning both Welsh and Scots Gaelic. I eventually received psychotherapy on the NHS which has helped teach me coping techniques. I have occupational health support in my workplace so I can remain in work and I take medication. I’m also an accredited mental health first aider and a union shop steward. I believe in giving back and if you can help someone feel less alone, you should. I accept I won’t ever be totally mentally well, but you can live well with BPD with the correct support. I’m showing everyone I can.
