Angela’s story

"All my life I thought I was broken, but it turns out all those "broken" pieces of me were never joined in the first place. "

Growing up, I never understood just how dysfunctional my family was. My childhood was filled with neglect and abuse — both physical and emotional. The abuse continued into my early 20s, but it wasn’t until I chose to step away from my entire family at the age of 30 when I finally began to heal.

To survive, my brain had developed a way to protect me. It ensured large parts of my childhood trauma had been jumbled up, so I was unable to access memories in any kind of detail; I knew that they existed, I just couldn’t focus on them. It was then explained to me by my therapist that the brain often splits traumatic memories into pieces. Being in constant survival mode meant that my brain shut down parts of itself to keep me safe.

I would often feel intense emotional flashbacks of guilt, shame, and fear to anything that triggered me. This could last for days, which would then send me on a downward spiral leading to intrusive thoughts, depression, and making plans to end my life.

I remember being told I was being treated for complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), and it became a massive lightbulb moment for me.

It was the first time in my life when something made sense.

I now had a starting point in which I could begin the process of healing.

– Angela

Medication helped to manage my symptoms day-to-day, while a combination of trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) treatment helped me to piece together all my fragmented memories.

I began to practice yoga and mindfulness. However, the biggest turning point in my life was taking up Taekwon-Do, the Korean martial art. Taekwon-Do gave me something positive to focus on, which had a profound impact on my confidence and mindset. I have always felt alone in life but since I began training, I felt connected to something bigger than myself. I found my place within a community of people who see me for who I am — where we laugh, cry, and support each other.

Whenever I’m having a rough day, I get an amazing sense of release when I hit the pads. Whatever I’m feeling gets left in punches and kicks that I throw, and it’s a safe place to let my anger and frustrations out, knowing that no one will get hurt.

It’s me against the world and it’s a fight that I’m starting to win.

– Angela

Since then, I have taken on the National Three Peaks Challenge for charity and I’m currently training for Tough Mudder [an off-road race that takes place in plenty of mud]. After that, I will be looking for my next adventure.

With a mixture of exercise and a healthy diet, I’m able to manage my C-PTSD with some days even being completely symptom-free.

For a long time, I was waiting for it to all go wrong, for something to mess it up; to repeat a cycle that has always seemed constant in my life. Then it dawned on me: my life was for me to control and if I carried on rehashing those same negative thoughts, I would simply be sabotaging myself over and over again.

All my life I thought I was broken, but it turns out all those "broken" pieces of me were never joined in the first place.

– Angela

Trauma can’t heal if we don’t accept the past. The little girl who suffered and feared for her safety every day didn’t deserve her start in life, but somehow even in the face of everything she endured, she gave me the strength and resilience to push through the pain no matter how much it hurt. She taught me how to survive and kept me safe. I owe her everything. Now it’s my turn time to keep her safe and most of all, show her love.

I’m now starting to look at life with a more positive mindset. I can’t change the past, but I do have the power to shape my own place in the world.

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