Clara’s story

"Depression kicked in - my marriage and homelife was falling apart, my work life suffered too. "

When I was just 13 years old, my father died unexpectedly of a heart attack. He was only 53 and my mother was a widow at 44. She found it very hard to cope and was emotionally very unstable. I remember her swearing, slamming doors, feeling powerless and angry at my dad for having ‘left’. I hid in my room, not really understanding why she was so angry all the time, instead of grieving like I was.

I remember very difficult times, both emotionally and financially. I was bullied at school, I had a depressed mother, and my older brother simply left home. It wasn’t the best introduction to puberty. Unsurprisingly, as a youngster I was often depressed, too. Even though things improved at school, I found a boyfriend and started college. I still struggled with my mood. I look back on it now and wish that I’d known where to look for help, or even to have known that there was help available.

Fast forward to being married and having two children, with depression still playing a part in my life. I had a nice job and two great kids, but often felt as if I just wasn’t good enough. To be honest, my husband contributed to my lack of self-worth.

When my kids were teenagers, my husband fell in love with another woman. I didn’t know, and didn’t realise that the constant belittling of me and mental abuse — as it was shockingly explained to me by a Relate counsellor — was his way of deflecting what was happening in our marriage. It really was a physical pain, but the mental pain was worse.

Depression kicked in — my marriage and homelife were falling apart, and my work life suffered too.

I frequently felt that the alternative — me not being there at all — was an attractive option.

– Clara

I didn’t know what help to seek. I had no idea that there were resources out there to support me with my mental health. My generation were the children of those who had been through the war, where “stiff upper lip” and “shut up and put up” was the cultural norm. I understood so little about depression and how to cope. I didn’t realise that I could seek more than pills from the GP; that there were organisations out there, like Mental Health UK, who understand and support people like me today.

The big changing point for me was when I realised that what others think, say and believe about me is not who I really am. I haven’t been depressed for many years now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have emotional challenges. The difference is that I know that I can reach out — I can share, ask for help when I need it, and access resources to understand and cope better. I have friends who support me and my children are my lifeline.

Life changed, as it does, and I am now happily remarried, in a job I love. I love birdwatching and being out in nature, whether it’s in my garden or out walking our dogs.

– Clara

My advice to anyone experiencing bereavement, depression, or any of the mental health challenges that life throws us, is simple:

• Firstly: do not believe the negative voice in your head — it wasn’t put there by the real you.
• Secondly: it is not a failure to seek help.
• Thirdly: believe it will change, believe in better.

My “black dog” is kennelled now, but I know where it is and I now know how to deal with it.

Information and support

 
Depression Grief and bereavement
 
Suicide Health and wellbeing