Gem’s story

"Looking back, there’s one thing I’d do differently: go to the GP sooner."

I’d just started the job that was the first chapter in a career I’d studied for four years to build. After graduating and working my way towards the role I dreamed of – I finally got there.

However, within a few months, I felt like I was out of my depth in the criminal justice sector. I started to worry that I wasn’t up to the job.

At the same time, a physical health issue had developed into something unpredictable and debilitating. I was experiencing panic attacks in one-to-one sessions with clients, and was losing the ability to focus on anything aside from this overwhelming panic that was tied in with what I now know to be irritable bowel syndome (IBS). Sadly, this made the majority of my work settings and transport extremely difficult and my confidence was eroding rapidly.

Trying to cope on my own

I worked really hard on myself. I wanted to understand what was underlying the mental health challenges I was facing, and put a lot of energy and money into trying to get better.

I researched, tried different mainstream approaches and alternative therapies, including counselling, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and hypnotherapy. I thought that if I could just find the right mindset and work hard enough at getting better, I’d find a way through.

I didn’t want to admit defeat.

The fact that I was barely coping with the job I’d worked so hard for felt like confirmation that I was failing. I couldn’t live up to the expectations I had of myself or others had of me.

Eventually, I exhausted the possibilities I’d been trying. My closest support was floundering and didn’t know how to help me. I felt like I had no more options, so I relented and went to the GP.

Going to the first GP appointment

My mum came with me because she knew I would panic, clam up and struggle to listen or ask questions. I found being in a closed room with an authority figure incredibly difficult when I was anxious. Having her there made it possible to get through the appointment. I didn’t have to carry all of that by myself.

The GP asked lots of questions to understand everything I was experiencing. There was no judgement whatsoever. He was calm and listened.

• What was happening with my physical health?
• What was happening with my diet and sleep?
• What was going on with my hormones?
• What else might be affecting how I was feeling?

For the first time, it didn’t feel as though everything was down to me and my ability to cope. My body was struggling too, and things were happening that were outside my control.

I’d spent so long blaming myself – seeing him believe and respect the efforts I’d gone through meant so much.

There were referrals to endocrinology and procedures to wait for, including a range of blood tests, ultrasounds and a colonoscopy. I was put on several waiting lists, including Adult Mental Health Services (AMHS) and Time to Talk.

I remember feeling incredibly relieved that someone else was on the case. I wasn’t facing a battle on my own.

I agreed to try antidepressants, and that was a whole other story. It took months to find the right medication for me, at the right dose, and it wasn’t easy. Things got worse before they got better.

I spent months taking a wait-and-see approach, trying one thing and then another, hoping I could somehow sort it out myself.

But what started as panic attacks on trains had gradually spread to queues, meetings and conversations with friends. My world was getting smaller and harder to bear.

I was taking sick leave because I was frightened of the situations my job involved, as well as being physically and mentally exhausted by trying to cope with everything. By the time I went to the GP, I was barely holding on to my job. I was scared that if I lost it, I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent.

I look back now and dearly wish I’d gone sooner. I could have started exploring treatment and been put on waiting lists much earlier. Instead, by the time I asked for help, I was so destroyed that it took years to get back to the person I wanted to be.

I’m not saying that going to the GP is the answer for everyone, or that it’s a cure-all. But for me, it was the point at which things started to change. My GP helped me begin to understand what was happening more holistically and opened the door to different forms of treatment and support.

What I know now about going to the GP sooner

You don’t need to know what’s wrong before you talk to your GP.

I spent so much time researching, trying to understand myself and trying different things that I felt I needed to arrive with an explanation. I didn’t. Nor did I need to convince him that I’d tried hard enough.

I just needed to be able to say that something wasn’t right and that I wasn’t coping.

You don’t have to wait until things are really bad.

I firmly believed that you went to the GP when you had reached some kind of crisis point, and until then you should just try harder. Looking back, if I’d received support sooner, I might have struggled less in the long run.

I spent too long believing that asking for help meant I had failed. I wish I had known sooner that asking for help was actually the moment I stopped battling through it on my own.

Information and support

Generalised Anxiety disorders
 
Talking to your GP about mental health