Giles story
Giles, who experiences bipolar disorder, expresses how he found hope through noticing the positive threads in his life.
"How a light bulb moment helped me find hope in living with bipolar disorder."
Having lived with bipolar disorder for as long as I can remember, I’ve spun the ecstatic maelstrom of hypomania countless times. I know the frozen desolate abyss of depression equally well, along with debilitating anxiety and erratic executive functioning.
My long-term memory is practically photographic, but the short term… I even forgot how to make a cup of tea once, and unloading the washing machine can take an age. There’s the searing blast of sensory overload to sometimes contend with, where even the smallest trouble can seem overwhelmingly monumental.
– GilesI don’t recall exactly what I felt when I first received my diagnosis around two decades ago now, other than that it was something of an “AHA!” moment.
After years in a confused wilderness, how I felt and functioned began to make some sense.
There was a lot that didn’t make sense too, however. It wasn’t an easy ride. There were many monumental struggles that saw several spells in hospital.
It was undoubtedly when I hit the lowest point imaginable that I slowly came to see that my only way forward was up, like the phoenix taking flight from the ashes of the pyre. Amongst all of the chaos, I found glimmers of clarity that have gradually grown over the years.
I haven’t gotten rid of my bipolar disorder. I haven’t even managed to tame it, but at least I’ve learned how to walk it on a leash. There can be moments or periods where it overwhelms me still, but I made the decision some time ago that, as present as it is, it was not going to rule my life. It does not rule my life. It’s just a part of my life.
– GilesI used to be far too introspective for my own good. I’d worry that I’d said the wrong thing about one thing happening or another. I’d even worry about worrying.
I’d have all kinds of unwanted thoughts ricocheting around in my head. I’d look at others and worry about what they thought of me, deciding that what they were thinking was anything but pleasant.
I accepted this status quo and never really challenged it… until I came across an article that was a real lightbulb moment.
Humans are actually wired to be negative, giving far more focus and attention to the bad over the good. We’ve evolved that way. Way back to when we lived in caves and there were predators and rivals for food, paying attention to negative threats was essential to our survival. Those who looked out for danger were most likely to survive and this trait was passed down to the next generation. Being negative is our brain trying to keep us safe.
Of course, these days, we don’t need to be on constant alert in order to survive. But our negativity bias, as it is called, still exists and affects how we think, feel and act.
