Grace’s story
Grace first experienced anxiety and suicidal thoughts at school. Since her last suicide attempt a few years ago, she shares how her life has changed for the better.
Trigger warning: This article mentions self-harm and suicide
"I felt like the light had been taken out of my existence."
I started to experience anxiety when I was in Year 9, but never spoke to anyone about it. I thought I could cope with it by myself.
By sixth form, my anxiety was debilitating and I didn’t want to leave the house. At school, I would pretend everything was okay during the day, but got home and cried. It was exhausting. Initially, I was scared to ask for support because I didn’t want to admit something was wrong with me. What if people think I’m just being dramatic? Or that I just want attention?
The depression started to grow when I felt as though the anxiety was taking over my life. I was rarely sad, never mind depressed, and yet I felt like the light had been taken out of my existence.
I was so overwhelmed by all these feelings and emotions, that I coped with them in unhealthy ways. Self-harm seemed like such an unhelpful strategy to feel better. Why would I treat my pain with more pain? You don’t put out a fire by adding more fire, but it felt like my only option at the time.
Things got worse and I progressed to suicidal ideation, confident I would never act on my thoughts. But the weeks of feeling so awful began to stack up and I wanted to act on how I felt.
April 4th, 2019 will hold significant meaning for me. It was my final suicide attempt. I shouldn’t be here writing this now. And yet here I am.
Two weeks after my attempt, it was my 18th birthday. I didn’t plan on being alive for it. That was a surreal experience. Like I was floating in someone else’s dream.
In the darkest days, these were some sources of light that kept me going and made me thankful for being alive:
- Celebrating the milestones of family members
- The different types of animals who live on the same planet as me
- The calmness of a small stream
- Learning something new
- How the kitchen smells after you’ve been baking
- When babies have hiccups
– GraceI took a gap year to allow myself the chance to recover and sit my A-levels later.
I got into my first-choice university. I completed my undergraduate degree, then did a master’s and now I’m doing a PhD.
I’m researching the impact of heat on individuals with anxiety disorders using trains at Loughborough University, with a scholarship from the Motability Foundation, a disability transport charity.
I have wonderful friends and family, who love and encourage me to be the best possible version of myself. I’m surrounded by dogs most days and play netball with some of the kindest (and funniest) ladies I’ve ever met. I now even get to use my own experiences and training to help others with their mental health!
– GraceIf you told me any of this when my mental health was at rock bottom, I would have assumed you had lost the plot.
My point is that the world keeps spinning. Life isn’t a constant. You change, develop and grow.
Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but you begin to find that the good things outweigh the bad. Statistically, the chance of you being born is 400 trillion to one. To put that into perspective, the chance of winning the lottery is 14 million to one. So, without sounding too cliché, it’s pretty much a miracle you’re here. You are irreplaceable.
Although I’d like to think I’ve moved on from the depression, the anxiety has remained with me but on a smaller, more manageable scale. It wasn’t easy to get here but I’m glad I didn’t die that day. I’ll forever be in debt to my friends, family, teachers, counsellor, and pets, who provided me with the love and support I needed during the worst time of my life.
I promise things do get better.
