Chris’ story
When Chris was burnt out from work, he noticed a steep decline in his mental health and even made plans to take his own life. But with support, he has found his way back to himself.
Trigger warning: This article mentions suicidal ideation
"I lost my identity; the isolation, not having a daily routine, and a complete lack of purpose was not something I was prepared for.
I quite literally fell apart."
I was 42 when I first noticed something was wrong. I’d become incredibly emotional; driving back to work from a meeting, I would burst into tears for no reason. Sitting and watching the TV, not something I did very often, the floods of tears would appear. I’d have to excuse myself, so my wife never noticed.
– ChrisI never understood what was happening, but now I know that by not addressing it there and then, it never got better, it only got worse.
In 2000, I created my own business almost by accident. I was a sub-contracting builder while also serving in the Royal Engineers for 12 years. I travelled all over the world with the army and reserve units, carrying out construction tasks. At home, as a self-employed builder, I was asked if I could offer work experience to kids who had been excluded from school. I found that I loved working with these kids, so I set up a training centre teaching construction and engineering to kids who needed help.
I built the business with my wife into the biggest independent school in Lincolnshire. We employed between 30 and 40 instructors and helped nearly 5,000 young people over 20 years. A government change in the rules forced my training centre to become a school, and I knew this was a bad plan, but I had no choice.
It was during this time that my mental health really began to deteriorate. I became frustrated at a situation I could do nothing about. It made me very angry and, over a period of eight months while we were trying to sell the business, I became overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness. I was becoming incredibly anxious and depressed every day and, without realising it. I was completely burnt out.
We sold the business at the end of 2019. What I hadn’t bargained on was the arrival of COVID-19 in 2020. All the plans we had to travel and take time off to decompress didn’t happen. I lost my identity; the isolation, not having a daily routine, and a complete lack of purpose was not something I was prepared for. I quite literally fell apart.
– ChrisI never understood how to explain how I was feeling. I felt terrible all the time, I couldn’t sleep at night and felt like I was wading through treacle during the day.
My brain never stopped — I now refer to it as my ‘feedback loop from hell’. Constant negative thoughts, a voice taunting me for making those decisions, blaming me for ending up in this mess.
It was all my fault — why did I sell the business, why did I sell the house? It was like being bullied by my own brain and I couldn’t shut the voices up.
By the end of 2020, I was in such a mess, I was walking into the woods every day with my dog, making plans to end my life. But every day for maybe three weeks, the only thing that prevented me from carrying my plans out was the thought that my three grown-up children had no idea I was in this state. It hurt to think that they would learn that I’d taken my life and I hadn’t even told them I was suffering. I couldn’t do that to them.
My wife forced me to seek help. I found out about the Freemasons Charity, the Masonic Charitable Foundation and its mental health support programme. They were amazing and the counselling program, without any question, saved my life. The tool kit they helped me assemble helped me climb out of that big black hole and find my way back to me.
On New Year’s Day 2023, I began a challenge to walk around the coast of the UK to fundraise for the charity that helped me. A 6,500 mile walk, nearly two years living in a tent. To date, I’ve fundraised nearly £100,000, I am writing a book, and I’m presenting talks about my experiences.
Thinking about what I’ve been through, it strikes me that we all need to learn about how our brain works. We need to learn how to express our feelings. We need to address problems as they hit us but most of all, we need to talk.
Information and support
Depression Anxiety Burnout Suicide
