Rob’s story

"The love and support from the family helped Jack turn a corner."

Jack’s mum and I separated when he was five. His mum and I get on – we’ve always focused on maintaining as “normal” an upbringing as a divorce can allow.

I always said to my pals, from when he was about seven or eight, that I felt it very likely Jack would come out as gay and that either way, I was totally fine. I also grew up in the 70s with “uncles” John and Alan, until one day the penny dropped. Jack’s uncle had also come out and it took a little while for certain family members to come to terms with it.

When Jack hit his early teenage years, he started spending a large amount of time in his room. X-box largely to blame, or so we thought. In hindsight and from since speaking with him, Jack knew that he was gay around the age of 12, but we didn’t appreciate the demons he was fighting as a result. Most of the following is what I have since learned from Jack sharing.

He didn’t want to be gay. He wanted a “normal” life. To be “normal”. Have a “normal” family. A “normal” job.

The next set of events is a blur. The time spent in his bedroom became a refusal to go out, a real fight to get him to school and then college; massive bouts of tiredness and medication to help with the anxiety and depression.

This drifted into some self-medication for Jack: weed, cigarettes, alcohol, coping mechanisms that spiralled into excessive use. Then family arguments (when stoned), mixing with a bad crowd and self-harm.

We still had good times but they became fewer. I told him I knew he was gay, to let me help him with coming out when he wanted, but he wasn’t ready. Things moved on without much change, and it was a real rollercoaster of emotions and self-medication. In the good times we sought advice for his scars, best treatment, potential tattoos longer-term.

Then, after much nudging and reassuring, Jack told his mum he was gay. Then his sister. Then me, (he knew I knew, but I was the harder one for him to admit to). Coming out was a big relief, but also came with a massive outpouring of feeling guilty and wanting to be “normal”. We talked about the whole LGBTQIA+ community; how where I work, some senior management are openly gay, married men with kids. We normalised family conversations, joked about how Jack had more boyfriends than his sister did.

But Jack was still battling inside. He introduced us to his boyfriend, but in my overprotective Dad mode, I didn’t think he was a good egg. When it ended, Jack spiralled further and deeper than before.

There was then an increase to his medication. We didn’t know a side effect of an increase can be the opposite to what you’d hope.

Three days later, I got the phone call from Hell: my daughter found Jack after he attempted suicide. There remains long-term medical side effects.

"Jack spent a couple of days in hospital. And that was our turning point.

The outpouring of tears from his siblings and parents seemed to make the difference to him. Jack seemed shocked himself by what he had tried to do (he says he has little recollection of the days beforehand), and the love and support from the family helped turn a corner."

– Rob, Jack's father

Over the next few months, after many medical appointments and multiple therapists for the family, Jack scraped through his A-levels. He weaned off the medication, weed and cigarettes, visibly and mentally improving. Jack got a place at university. We agreed Manchester was a great place to re-invent himself, be who he wanted in a very accepting location. Things had improved where we were just about comfortable enough to let go.

That was two and a half years ago. Ignoring two homophobic attacks, we are now in a far better place. Jack has travelled abroad, has some great friends, had holiday flings, a number of bar and restaurant jobs. We talk, not regularly enough as per every student. I miss him all the time and know (mostly) of what he gets up to. We joke about how some of his experiences compare to mine. We train in the gym together when he’s home.

I got married again last year, my wife and three kids get on better than I could imagine. Jack and his brother were my best men. His brother introduced himself as “the younger, better looking one” with Jack openly saying “Well, I’m the gay one”. A golden moment in many ways.

I remain worried about him every day, always will be as a parent. That’s the job. But he’s in a good place. Better than ever, living his best life.

If you, or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, it’s important to reach out for support, no one should struggle alone. 

There are free helplines open 24 hours a day, every day, providing a confidential and non-judgmental space to talk with trained advisors.

For more details visit our information page

Other relevant pages on our website, linked to this story, can be found here:

Anxiety disorders    Depression

LGBTQIA+ and mental health    Self-harm     Suicide