Navigating your mental load at Christmas

 

Whilst everyone’s Christmas will be different, some of the challenges are common. It’s important to allow yourself time to feel how you wish to about Christmas and approach the festivities in a way that works for you and your loved ones. This might be easier said than done, as family expectations might weigh heavy, but it’s also stress- inducing to supress your needs by acquiescing to others.

Christmas can be a particularly challenging time for those living with mental health conditions. Our survey last year indicated that 80% (of 1,000 respondents) considered their mental health symptoms to get worse over the festive period, while nearly three-quarters said the season made them feel lonelier even when surrounded by family and friends. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is often prevalent during the winter months and social gatherings can present challenges for people living with social anxiety disorder, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and alcohol dependence. Wellbeing at Christmas can be hampered by feelings of isolation or grief at the loss of a loved one at a time for togetherness.

So, on the approach to December, it’s important to be mindful of what triggers and stressors you and your loved ones might be facing, so that you can prepare and approach the season in a compassionate and supportive way. Unwrapping the unrealistic demands and expectations that contribute to our mental load during this time can help us reclaim the headspace we need to balance our own wellbeing at Christmas. Let’s look at how we can reduce our mental load to create healthier personal boundaries and grant ourselves permission to prioritise our wellbeing.

What is ‘mental load’?

The concept of “mental load” emerged in the 1980s via sociologist Monique Haicault’s research on cognitive processing. Initially exploring domestic labour dynamics, the term describes the invisible mental effort of managing daily responsibilities. The concept is used to describe often-unrecognised continuous cognitive labour individuals — particularly women — perform when it comes to managing a household and supporting the family.

Through the lens of this concept, we can appreciate the sheer amount of effort and energy expended during the festive period. Planning and coordinating efforts as well as anticipating the needs across the household and family is considerable. The intensity of cognitive effort expended during this time can significantly impact our wellbeing and potentially challenge or strain our interpersonal relationships too.

Let’s take a closer look at roles within the family unit, to understand what could be on people’s plates this Christmas.

The parental pressure cooker

For parents, Christmas is often an elaborate choreography of expectations and logistics. Throughout December and into January, parents can be embroiled in planning, coordinating, cooking, washing, and so on, alongside usual activities such as maintaining a household, caregiving, and working. Christmas adds to the mental load significantly: selecting the perfect gifts, managing family expectations, coordinating multiple gatherings, and creating magical memories especially for the younger generation. The financial strain can also be particularly acute: Balancing gift purchases, festive food, potential travel costs, and the unspoken competition of giving “enough” while staying within budget can create a constant undercurrent of anxiety.

Offspring will return home following the end of term and, depending on their age, will be relying on parents to meet their needs, whether running them about to attend socials or keeping them entertained during unstructured time. The emotional labour can fall disproportionately on parents, who often manage the entire emotional architecture of the holiday. From remembering everyone’s preferences to ensuring each family member feels equally considered, the mental load weighs heavily to deliver on Christmas.

Parents may also feel troubled and challenged by complex family dynamics that are amplified by the onset of family gatherings. Navigating these complex tensions, managing potential conflicts between relatives, and maintaining a facade of harmony can at times feel like emotional gymnastics. Unresolved family dynamics, generational differences, and the pressure to present a united front can create significant psychological strain. The expectation of unconditional familial joy contrasts sharply with the complex realities of human relationships.

"As a busy working mum of two young children, the usual 'life admin' around home, school, nursery, and work continue without let-up. Christmas adds yet more pressure with planning, buying, and wrapping presents; coordinating festive family gatherings; decorating the house; trying to keep up with special events like school fêtes and carol singing concerts; and preparing to host the big day itself.

Although I love Christmas, the mental load and its potential to become overwhelming really intensifies. I’m a planner by nature, but I can put unrealistic pressure on myself to always be on top of everything. This can lead to me feeling unable to switch off, which affects my sleep, which in turn makes me less able to focus. I'm better at recognising the signs of stress early. Getting out for some fresh air, moving my body, enforcing less screen time, and going to bed earlier makes a world of difference."

– Helen, mother of two children under the age of five

Young people’s hidden struggles

For young people, Christmas can be a minefield of social and emotional challenges. Those experiencing financial constraints may feel shame and anxiety about gift-giving. Students returning home might wrestle with family expectations, loss of independence, and renegotiating family dynamics. Social media can intensify pressures, creating unrealistic comparisons and amplifying feelings of inadequacy with peers.

For young people with mental health challenges, the season can be particularly triggering. Family gatherings might resurrect complex emotional landscapes which feed into negative thoughts and feelings such as jealousy, loneliness, and self-doubt. The pressure to appear happy can feel suffocating. The disruption of regular routines, combined with increased social interactions can further destabilise young people’s emotional wellbeing, making Christmas a particularly vulnerable time for mental health.

"I used to find the whole of December and all of the additional responsibilities and social commitments overwhelming. Since becoming a single parent, I've accepted that I can't do everything for everyone. A perfect Christmas isn't really desirable anyway. Seeing my son, when he was little, become overwhelmed by a big pile of presents made me realise that it's too much pressure for everyone.

For me, it's more about memories made with people I care about. We aren't perfect and that's okay."

– Sass, mother to a teenager

Compassion at Christmas

During the holiday season, compassion for oneself and others is fundamental to sustain our mental wellbeing. Recognising that it’s okay not to be okay, and that the picture-perfect Christmas narrative is largely a myth, can be profoundly healing. Self-care during this time means setting boundaries, allowing yourself to feel your genuine emotions without judgement, and understanding that your worth is not measured by your ability to conform to festive expectations. Whether this looks like taking quiet moments for yourself, declining overwhelming social invitations, practicing mindful breathing, or simply acknowledging your feelings, self-compassion is a powerful antidote to the season’s pressures. Give yourself permission to rest, to feel, to opt out, and to prioritise your mental health above societal narratives of what Christmas “should” look like.

While we can’t eliminate the season’s stress entirely, we can approach it differently, here are just some of the ways we can reframe and look after our wellbeing:

Remember

• The perfect Christmas is a myth
• Complex family dynamics are common issues at Christmas
• You’re not responsible for everyone’s happiness
• You can’t control what other people think and feel
• It’s okay to say ‘no’ to events or commitments
• It’s okay to ask for and accept support from others
• Keep things simple and try not to overcomplicate

Reframe

• Communicate openly about expectations and limitations
• Set realistic budgets and boundaries
• Prioritise your mental wellbeing over social obligations
• Challenge negative thinking in yourself and others
• Focus on what went well throughout this time
• Understand the most important aspect for you at Christmas

Resolve

• Make a list of essential things that need doing to help prioritise
• Delegate responsibilities, and ask the family to pitch in and support
• Have a trusted friend on standby who can validate your feelings
• Schedule quiet, alone time away from socialising to restore balance
• Keep some important familiar routines for you and the family
• Create new, meaningful traditions that focus on connection over perfection
• Think of safe topics to chat about, that could help steer away from conflict or tension
• Continue exercising and maintaining healthy eating routines
• Take short walks to decompress and restore perspective
• Take up a volunteering opportunity to connect with others
• In between social events, moderate food and alcohol consumption where possible
• Try and maintain good sleep hygiene throughout the season
• Use the stress bucket tool to find ways of releasing stress that work for you

A meaningful, enjoyable and relaxing Christmas doesn’t need to be perfect. Focus on what truly matters to you and your loved ones – let go of unnecessary pressures and expectations. At a time when most of us will be carefully monitoring our bank balance – let’s think of our personal energy and wellbeing in a similar way. We need to mindfully manage our mental load and emotional reserves to avoid being overdrawn. Every obligation, responsibility and task are a withdrawal, while rest and self-care are deposits. When you notice your reserves running low, it’s time to make restorative deposits so you don’t become emotionally and mentally overdrawn. Protecting and recharging your inner resources will help lighten the weight of your mental load throughout Christmas.

You can find more information and resources on our Christmas and your mental health webpage.